vforvicious

the only thing i know is happiness

as i am grateful for having you in my life

in whatever you are to me now.

yes, i love you.

i said that earlier.

“A guy with a big heart just for me’.

I don’t want to call you that.

I want to call you.

“A guy that I’m happy being friends with”.

But I guessed that won’t happen anytime soon,

seeing from our chat last night.

Really.

I am just sick of that pattern.

Forgive me,

I am that arrogant.

painful to brag about sleeping with somebody else’s hubby

like what you did lately, dearie?

She is thinking about you and your daughter,

she doesn’t need to know her to imagine

she must be in agony at the moment.

She is thinking about you and your girlfriend,

she doesn’t need to know her to imagine

she must be in fear at the moment.

She is thinking about you and your mother,

she dosn’t need to be there with you

to know how scary things are at the moment.

She is thinking about herself and her lover,

she doesn’t need to know how does she feels

to lose him right at this moment.

I will never get married, not even to a woman. I am just too independent a spirit, I guess.

di tawa semalam suntuk bersama teman teman perempuan kesayangan.
di lembaran lembaran kain motif yang bertumpuk di kamar,
di hangatnya kulit kekasih yang tertidur kelelahan.
di dalam sebuah pesan pendek tadi pagi.
di dalam sebuah rencana bertemu teman.
di dalam sebuah film tentang cinta yang menyakitkan.
di dalam sebuah keinginan membuat sesuatu bersama teman teman.
di dalam dada dan kepala yang belum berhenti berdenyut.

girl#1: do you have a crush on my boyf?

girl#2: no, i don’t. you know how much I love my boyf.

girl#1: but you know…really, i can’t compete with you.

          you’re like his dream come true girl.

girl#2: (laughing) no, i’m not. I’m way too much for a sweet guy

           like him. trust me on that.

girl#1: (smiling) well, i guessed you are right there.

i start to talking to myself again,

but this time is getting into

a longer chat with louder voice.

i don’t think i have enough strength

to keep all those secrets that people

ask me to keep lately.

they are just too many,

too sad,

too painful

and

too dangerous.